Trading Dollars for Wins, One Season at a Time

[Author's Note: This is meant to be satirical. The quotes are in no way true, but the circumstance, regretfully, is.]

With the Yankees' ups and downs, the Red Sox dominance and the end-of-the-season lightning bolt that was the Rockies, you might not have noticed, but the Pittsburgh Pirates made history.

That's right, Pirate Fans, your team has done something no other team in the history of Major League Baseball has managed to do. In fact, they have done something that no other team in the history of organized professional sports has managed to do. That's any sport, at any time.

The Pittsburgh Pirates were the first team ever to suffer 16 consecutive losing seasons.

The last time the Pirates won more games than they lost I was 5 years old. That was 1991. The first George Bush was still President, and Barry Bond's head was still roughly the size of mine.

This might seem like a major disappointment, and a terrible way to make history, and that's because it is. This is the O.J. Simpson kind of history. The Pirates will never be remembered for the teams of the 60's and the 70's that actually won games and multiple World Series; the same way O.J. will never be remembered for winning the Heisman Trophy and rushing for 2,000 yards in a NFL season. The Pirates will be remembered forever for their horrendous run of 16 consecutive losing seasons, and O.J. will always be the guy in the White Ford Bronco who may or may not have killed two people and got away with it.

This is not, I repeat, NOT the way an organization wants to make history. Or so you'd think.

Apparently there are those within the organization that are glad to see the small-market Pirates finally on the map - even if the circumstances themselves aren't exactly favorable. It is no coincidence, however, that the people who think this are also the same folks that made the Pirates "small-market" in the first place.

"Streaks. You want to talk about streaks? Well, [Lou] Gehrig had a hit in 54 consecutive games, Cal [Ripkin Jr.] played in, what, almost 4,000 games without missing one and the Pirates were below .500 for 16 seasons in a row...and counting," Pirates Chairman and principle owner, Robert Nutting said. "As far as I'm concerned, we're in good company."

You'll have to excuse Mr. Nutting. It seems his wallet has fallen off of his dresser crushing his skull on its way to the floor. You see, the man is rich. He's not stupid. He owns one the worst baseball team in the league (right now, but definitely THE worst over the last 16 years), but that doesn't stop him from raking in the third best profit margin in the MLB.

How can a perennial loser make that much money?

It's quite simple.

He puts a cheap and, consequently, terrible product on the field. (Notice I didn't use the word team - it's not a team; it's a product.) A product that Nutting markets, and markets well, to the point where tickets are still sold and seats still fill up. It doesn't hurt that he has the best skyline (not arguable) in the country serving as a backdrop to arguably the best new stadium in the league.

I'm not saying Nutting is responsible for every single losing season dating back to 1991 (mainly because he has only controlled the team since '03), but he has the power to at least turn it around, spend some money and put a decent team out there. They don't even have to be good. Decent should be the goal, but decent isn't the goal - dollar signs are. They might make money, but they keep losing. I am beginning to think that they like it.

"I'm glad I could come in and contribute right away," said former Bucco Manager, Jim Tracy. "They wanted to continue this losing tradition. I'm proud to say I got them there, and I'm sure the ownership is happy with the things we weren't able to accomplish. I won't lie. I'll be rooting for them in the future to really put this streak out of reach."

They have made losing an art form and I can't see anything standing in their way of putting this non-record out of reach. The ownership can pretend they are making changes to better the team by letting go of Dave Littlefield and Jim Tracy, but we all know that their replacements will do just as terrible of a job. It's not that the Pirates hire incompetent idiots. It's the fact that they are given nothing financially to make a splash in free agency, make a big trade or rejuvenate a decrepit farm system.

Money is everything to the Nuttings. What they fail to realize is that money is everything to the Pirates and creating a winning team again.

"I'm tired of being the highest paid play on this team," shortstop Jack Wilson said. "Don't tell the front office people this, but I'm also tired of losing. I don't like it anymore. We set the record, now let us win."

Jumpin' Jack Flash might be on to something. Let's start with him. Stop over paying glorified utility infielders $5.4 million to hit sub .250, get rid of him and try signing someone that will win you games.

Here's hoping 16 is all the embarrassment one organization can stomach.