ESPY Running Diary

(Editor's note: This is heinously long. I wanted to try something new, so here it is. Let me know what you think.)

There’s something you should know about me.

I’m a sucker for award shows (and manicured toes).

My favorite award show? Although the Academy Awards are becoming increasingly more interesting as I get older, my favorite show is still the ESPY’s (Excellence in Sports Performance Yearly). Sports stars will always be more iconic and revered than movie stars or other celebrities in my eyes. Therefore, ESPY’s > Oscars. It’s quite simple really.

So today for the 2007 installment of my favorite award show I actually left my girlfriend’s house (she didn’t want to watch) and came straight home. I refuse to miss this.

9:00 – The night is not starting off well. Because the ESPY’s are taped in advanced (taped July 11 for the July 15 broadcast), ESPN is still in the process of showing Sunday night baseball. But there is a bright spot…it’s a barn burner. Phillies vs. Cardinals. Watch out. Michael Bourn just hit his first major league home run in his 93rd major league at bat. Wow. I’m glad I caught that.

9:03 – In a 10-1 game in which the cardinals are winning in the bottom of the ninth, the game should have ended about 2 minutes ago but the cardinals love to make errors to extend the game. Needless to say, I am not happy.

9:05 – ESPN just showed the 139,535th fan in the crowd with some crappy joke about the Phillies losing 10,000 games. The best: “I have not lost. I have found 10,000 ways that don’t work. – Thomas Edison.” Good, but not great. Stop putting these people on television unless their signs are clever, funny, or poignant. Thank you.

9:08 – Philly fans are actually applauding the fact that their team is about to lose their 10,000th game, but Chase Utley has other plans, with a game-extending RBI double to center. And to think, I actually liked him two days ago.

9:10 – Do you think Ryan Howard knows that the whole world is watching him waiting for the ESPYs? I do. Its been a full count for 3 minutes. Fittingly he strikes out badly. Thank you Mr. Howard. HERE WE GO.

9:11 – Samuel L. Jackson is the first to be shown in the crowd. I cant say im surprised. He is everywhere.

9:12 – Is it just me or does everyone get the chills when they show any kind of sports montage with an inspiring song in the background? Vertigo is not even my favorite song, not even close, but this montage is fantastic. I want to meet the ESPN editors. I want to be their friend. Bear with me I am enjoying this montage. I’ll be back I promise.

9:21 – Jimmy Kimmel appears following the greatest 9 minutes of my life. I cant even describe it. You will have to find a way to watch that. Youtube, or re-runs. Its that good. I love it.

9:22 – Who doesn’t love a Bengals and the law joke?

9:24 – Do the athletes have to laugh at these jokes? I want to see one athlete or celebrity just stare blankly into the camera - like I am on my couch - after one of these jokes. Kimmel went after Oden’s age. I didn’t see that one coming. How long will the Oden age joke stay with him? I say its either when he grows into that look (age 40), or someone produces his actual birth certificate.

9: 26 – LeBron arrives in his Sweet-Sixteen-style-man-drawn carriage, and tries real hard to be funny. He’s ok, but I think we’re in for more from him later.

9:28 – Breakthrough athlete award time. I’m pulling for the most exciting basketball player I have ever seen – Kevin Durant. Not to be. Stinkin’ Devon Hester wins the award and shows off that Miami University education at the podium. Actually, that’s not fair. He was quite articulate. Shy, but good. I apologize for that previous crack. Well played Mr. Hester.

9:35 – Kimmel is in the shower with Danica Patrick. Nothing else to add here…

9:36 – Is there anything cheesier than the prepared speeches for these presenters to read from the teleprompter? Why does it need to be like that? Just present the nominees and then the winner. No one is there to see you. Ok, maybe some are interesting in watching Carmen Electra up on stage, but she is struggling. Did she read this in advance? I bet no.

9:40 – And the ESPY for the largest under bite in the history of the world goes to… Michael Phelps. I think I have seen every movie up for the best sports movie award at least twice. My favorite: We Are Marshall, despite Matthew “no shirt” Mconahey. I’m not sure how Talladega Nights wins. How was it in this category? NASCAR is not a sport. It’s a great COMEDY, but as far as sports go, it’s about as sports related as Jimmy Fallon’s Fever Pitch.

9:46 – Apparently women wear Under Armor too, and they want us to know about it. Minute-long Under Armor commercials are painful, but don’t get me wrong I would rather watch slow-motion clips of the ladies in spandex than A.J. Hawk and Vernon Davis yelling Click-Clack at me four times over.

9:50 – Lebrontourage is an instant classic. If this isn’t ESPN’s next “Playmakers” I don’t know what is.

9:52 – There are three great nominees for Best Game. Colts and Pats in the AFC Champitonship, Boise St. and Oklahoma, and Texas and OK Sate. Gooooo KD. I’m pulling for Durant even though he lost that game. Although Boise State may or may not deserve it. That final play in the Fiesta Bowl makes me stutter every time I see it. Boise State wins and Johnson and Zabransky join their coach at the podium. Coach is the only one that speaks. Stern, but fair.

9:55 – Great story about N.C. State’s woman’s basketball coach and her bout with cancer. This is 67% of the reason that I love the ESPY’s – stories like these.

10:00 – If my TiVo changes the channel to another Law and Order. I might throw something through it. Hand’s down the most annoying thing in my life. Right up there with the crumbs at the bottom of cereal boxes.

10:04 – The same Under Armor commercial. We’re going to keep a count. That’s two.

10:12 – Ladanian Tomlinson wins the Best Record-Breaking performance ESPY for his touchdown barrage last season. I actually watched LT golf on TV today at Lake Tahoe, and I’m here to tell you, it’s a damn good thing he’s good at football. He gives Sir Charles a run for his money.

10:17 - Taryne Mowatt, Female Athlete of the year, wins the Who-Are-You Award of the night. She’s well on her way to being the next Jenny Finch and I haven’t even seen her play. But, I ask you, do I need to?

10:18 – Three.

10:23 – Arthur Asche award is presented by none other than Samuel L. Jackson. I love this award and the stories behind every winner each year. This one proves to be no different. This tale of Dave, Trevor and the divide that still exists in Northern Ireland shows why everyone loves sports. Sports are bigger than all of us and really are the world’s great unifier. This is the reason I watch this show.

10:41 – The MC Hammer-clad Lebron does his best drunk uncle at a wedding karaoke impersonation. The man can dance, but his singing could use some work. He’s basically yelling at the crowd. I don’t think this was supposed to be this funny.

10:48 – I don’t even care who wins the Best Play of the Year itwas just great to watch those plays again. Boise State wins their second award for the statue of liberty two-point conversion. Johnson and Zabransky speak this time. I’m not so sure they didn’t know they were coming back up before that first one...

10:49 – Shaq taunts Greg Oden: “I’m gonna see you real soon, brother.” Run and hide Greg. Run and hide.

10:50 – Best Moment of the Year is up next; this is the J-Mac category from last year and is yet another moving moment in this show. The Saints win for their emotional comeback in New Orleans. Fair, but every moment nominated is worthy. It’s almost unfair to pick just one. Why is it that offensive or defensive linemen never speak when a team wins an award? Brees and Bush speak, but no one else. Understandable, but odd. Is it because the position players feel that they have to or that the linemen feel like they shouldn’t?

11:00 – Sid Crosby wins NHL Player of the Year, which was probably the most obvious choice in any category all night.

11:06 – The Colts over take the Florida Gators Basketball team for the best team award. I don’t agree with this decision at all. Although I knew the colts won the second I saw Dallas Clark in the audience. There is no reason he would be there if his team did not win. Talk about a spoiler.

11:12 – Kimmel is in the shower with Mike Tyson. Nothing else to add…

11:12 – Gretzky and Mary J. Blidge? Really?

11:13 – Best Male Athlete Award nominee highlights are maybe the best of the night. It’s got to be Federer or Woods, right? If I were a betting man I wouldn’t bet on a winner for this category. I'm that unsure. This is tense. Mary J. botches Ladanion Tomlinson’s name as he wins the award. I think Tiger and Roger were deducted votes for not being in attendance.

11:16 - T.I. is everything I hate in the world of hip-hop as he introduces our musical entertainment tonight. I’m not sure who it is because I was too busy rolling my eyes and cursing when T.I. was speaking. But I’m thinking its Macy Gray amongst others. Oh wait. Common just showed up and threw the 34,323th shout out Shaq’s way. Are people that afraid of him that they feel the need to address him personally?

11:19 – The show is over, and I am tired. The backstage special following the show starts off with Stu Scott getting molested by Shaq, D-Wade and T.O. No seriously. That is my cue to get the heck up out of here.

The 2007 ESPY’s are in the books, and I can’t wait til next year.

Kimmel summed it up well: "LeBron was OK, but I was fantastic."

It was all fantastic, Mr. Kimmel.